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Y Kerrie's Story Y
"Parkview, Parkview, we cheer you!"

Before we go any further, I must confess that I hate my mother for leaving. And I hate her for what little I know about her lifestyle. I know as a Christian I’m not supposed to hate anyone. But anyway, there it is. I’m working on it. I’ve already prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed to forgive her too, but the feeling’s still there. I don’t hate my father, but lately we’ve been fighting a lot. He can be such a jerk.”
That’s right before everything went out of control. Not much has changed. My mother still hardly ever calls, and she’s still with Arnold (the biker guy she met at a bar), and she still drinks and probably does drugs, and she still lives in Minnesota.

My journal August 31st went like:

Yesterday I asked Jackie what he meant by it. Jackie said she’s living in Minnesota with another man, though they’re not married. She was like ‘You should pray for your mother.’ I asked her whose fault it was. Was it ‘cuz of me? She was like ‘No way. You’re a total sweetheart. It was a little of each of their faults.’ Then she said something that really hit me, so I went and wrote it down. ‘Sometimes we start out with the best of intentions, but selfishness, immaturity, and unforgiveness take a toll until the person we once loved has become the enemy.’ So true.”

I think what helps me the most with forgiveness is the fact that Jesus died to forgive me. He was constantly dissed, and he could have called for fire to come from heaven and burn up his enemies, but he forgave them. So I need to forgive my mother.

My youth pastor said it starts with asking God to forgive me for my mistakes (which I did), then telling her I forgive her (which I’ll do if she ever calls again). Then realize over time my feelings will take care of themselves with God’s help.

With my father it’s a different story entirely. He pushes me ‘cuz he thinks I’m smart enough to go to any college, even Harvard. I tell him I’m not that smart and I don’t want to go to Harvard anyway, but he doesn’t listen. So he gets t.o.’d at everything that’s not an A. So when everything went crazy last fall and my grades were like C’s and D’s and F’s, he totally freaked on me. I know he wants the best for me, but he seriously needs to back off a little.

Okay, so he couldn’t go to the best school, and went to a state college. So like I’m supposed to fulfill his personal dream? The worst thing is I’m an only child, which means all the pressure’s on me. After me, my mother apparently lost interest in having kids – she probably didn’t even want me (but that’s not what my father says). He probably wanted a boy who was good at sports, but instead he got me, so he’s thinking like this sucks. So I play softball and do cheer squad, but that’s not the same as having a son who’s the star quarterback. So then when I screwed up, he totally lost it, and was crying and crying every night. Thank God for Jackie.

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