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Y Kerrie's Story Y
"Parkview, Parkview, we cheer you!"

You can be lonely even if you have friends. You can be lonely even if you’re popular. You can be lonely even with a boyfriend. You can be lonely even if people love you. These are the five things I’ve learned about loneliness this year. There’s a sixth thing, but I’ll talk about that in a minute.

Loneliness leads to depression, and depression can make you do stupid things, like try drugs or cutting or sex or suicide. I was lonely ‘cuz I missed my birth mother, and I felt like even with my friends at youth group I was this freak who didn’t fit ‘cuz I was different. Same with cheerleading and at school.

When you say “cheerleader” most people think like Reese Witherspoon blonde, or the dumb one from “Mean Girls.” I’m here to say, yeah, it’s partly true. But like with most stereotypes, mostly it’s not. The truth is, I’m a cheerleader, and I have this “Oohh - my - gosh!” side (I picked that one up from Courtney), but I also have these deep thoughts and real feelings.

Brittany’s always like “My mother doesn’t love me. Blah-blah. Pay attention to me. ” But my mother really doesn’t. Even if she and dad couldn’t get along, why would she abandon her only daughter? She never calls, and when she does, it’s ‘cuz she’s drunk and all sentimental. When I was like 12, I swore I’d never be like her when I was a parent.

Like I was saying, loneliness can make people do stupid things. Sometimes I was so depressed I’d sleep all weekend if there wasn’t a game. I overheard my father and Jackie talking one night about me seeing a shrink. Maybe getting on Prozac or Paxil like Jackie a while back. So I straightened up for a while, at least in front of them, ‘cuz I didn’t want to be on meds. This was before I did my own self-medicating. I’d heard that Prozac worked for some people, ‘cuz it regulates the serotonin in the brain, but it energized other people to do it who were suicidal anyway or it messed up their lives. I guess, like a lot of other things, it’s an imperfect solution that works for some people. Anyway, it scared the hell out of me. I know this sounds strange, given what I did later.

I don’t know about meds, but I probably should have gotten counseling. It’s easy to see that now, but not at the time. I just went through periods of two or three weeks at a time feeling like crap all the time. Other times I was okay, even happy sometimes. I’d get especially bad when my mother wouldn’t call for a few weeks, or else right after she did call, ‘cuz I’d remember what a crappy parent she was and that she didn’t even love me enough to send a birthday card when I turned 15. I mean I didn’t expect a present – I’m sure she spends all her money on booze – but at least a card you’d think.
So last year I started partying, and after a while

. I was like, yeah, but I’ll stop before I have kids. Now I realize she probably said the same thing. ‘Cuz she was a party girl in high school too, and got drunk a lot then too, according to Jackie. So even when I realized I was becoming like her, I didn’t stop. Drinking and the drugs made me feel good about myself ... or so I thought. My party friends made me popular ... or so I thought.

The truth is that after I’d get high, I’d feel good. But after that, the depression (I called it “the valley”) would get deeper and deeper. So I’d wanna get high again, naturally. Then an even deeper valley, and so on.

I thought my party friends were my real friends, but the truth is my party friends were just like me. Everyone was completely selfish. We all just wanted to be loved and get high. No one was capable of being there and giving like real friends are supposed to.

Scott showed me real friendship. Not this fake act so he could get in my pants. Jackie (my step-mom) too. And even though she can be totally blonde sometimes, Courtney is a real friend. And Jessica from youth group.

Jackie and Scott helped me, and my youth pastor and my second counselor were really helpful too. (The first counselor didn’t understand me. Jackie said the lesson from that was if the help isn’t helping, get other help.) Maybe you need meds and maybe not – I don’t know – but you definitely need someone to help you understand what your mind and body are doing. I know it helped me.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The sixth thing I learned this year. When you have God, you may still sometimes feel lonely, but you’re never alone. You have someone to talk with who really listens and really cares. I think if people spent more time developing their real friendships and appreciating their real friends, and that definitely includes God, they’d be a lot less lonely and depressed. Because I’m a cheerleader, I have a lot of friends. But I only have three or four real friends, plus God, and they’re worth more than all the others combined.


 

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